CDEDBD ducks?!

There are ducks all over my apartment complex, and it's rather enjoyable to watch them waddle around when I get home in the afternoons! The other day, when I got home there was a male and a female mallard hanging out just outside my apartment. I decided they were in for a treat, so I grabbed a couple pieces of bread for them. When I went outside they caught one glipse of the bread and came a charging (well, waddling)! It was adorable how excited they were... I heard that bread to them is like chocolate to the average PMS'ing female, and according to the duck's reactions I believe it! The female even came all the way up to me and started trying to grab the bread out of my hand before I could rip it into a smaller piece. What was even funnier was when they both started kinda walking away, they went out to the street (about 10-15 feet away) to get a drink of water from a puddle. Then, as though planned to occur on cue, they both wiggled their butts and pooed at the same time! And then back they came to finish up the half-piece or so of bread that I had left:) Sadly, once the bread was finished they decided I was good for nothing more and started waddling away... Qwacking the whole time... It was rather cute though, and I imagine I haven't seen the last of those "EDBD ducks."

As for an update on "me," there isn't much to tell. Some of my friends are saying that I seem to be doing better. I guess I can't totally disagree with them, but I certainly don't feel as though I'm quite "right" so to speak. Just feeling like I'm in a funk. Writing down my daily routine has been helpful for me at nights. My couselor asked me to give her my "baselines" which means to let her know basically how much sleep I get, how much I work everyday, how much/what I eat, how much time I spend doing social things, etc... In addition, I've been including some stuff about my mood each day, which overall I guess you could say is getting a little better. I'm working on trying to channel my negative emotions into my work so that it gives me more energy to accomplish more in the lab. That sounds counter intuitive as I write it, because I should be excited about stuff in lab (especially since my results are looking good), but to me it makes me more motivated somehow. Anyways, I meet with the counselor/therapist again on Thursday afternoon.

In lab, as I eluded to a few sentences ago, things are going well. I'm really confident that it's time for me to write my tumor paper - and I'm also confident that the quality of the paper will be high. Our results are very interesting, unique, and definite so it hopefully will get accepted at a good journal. Plus our model is a good/reliable one so it's really promising.

I'm slowly but surely getting ready for my trips. My April trip home is by far the easiest to plan - all I have to do is get on a plane. The more difficult trips to plan are the ones to the ENDO07 conferenece in Toronto, and the NF conference in Utah. I'm registered at both so far, and I have hotel reservations so I'm off to a good start. Now all I have to do is get my passport in the mail, book some airfare, and put my poster together. I'm worried about planning the trips so that I don't miss too much or any of the conferences themselves, but it seems to be going well so far (at least with the hotel part). The hardest part about most of the planning has been to do it "correctly" such that I'll be properly reimbursed in the end. I'd hate to have to pay $2-3000 for these trips and not get paid back!! But I'm confident all will go well.

Okay, I'm going home now. I spent over 10 hours in the lab yesterday, and today is already pushing 9 hours. It's time.

The state of things...

...at the present time is less than desirable for me. I'm battling tears more than I care to admit lately, and it's really wearing on my mood per totale. I won't go so far as to say that this is completely resultant from the breakup, but it has certainly compounded since then - and for the most part, the breakup is what started my 'downward spiral' as it's been coined. Fortunately enough, I've started talking with a therapist about all of this. The thing I worry about the most is if they choose to take me off accutane because of all of this. (One side effect of the drug is depression). Again, fortunately enough, I haven't had a history of depression and I have no thoughts of suicide or hurting myself (which is another side effect of accutane). So my therapist is optimistic for me that I may be able to get out of this without the aid of additional drugs. At least she's optimistic for me. I try to be, but it's almost like I've forgotten how to do that. The strangest sensation I've had, and most concerning to me, is how awkward it feels to laugh or smile. That's never been something strange to me - even in the other low times I've experienced in the past, I was able to separate the bad feelings from the good for long enough to feel normal again and laugh.

My current challenges (in no particular order):
1. Getting used to the fact that I'm single, and dealing with the lonliness that I am forced to endure at night.
2. Accepting that Nick and I are likely never going to be a couple again, and that my friendships are more important right now.
3. Trying to cope with only being Nick's friend.
4. Being away from family and very close (best) friends.
5. Gearing up for the lonliness I anticipate when Tim and Jen move away to Kentucky.
6. Sorting out all the stress I face at work, and accepting that even though these times are challenging it will all be worth it in the end.
7. Becoming more confident with myself when it is that I feel up to starting another relationship.
8. Accepting that my past is my past and it can not change, but my future is still up for revision.
9. Trusting not only myself, but my partner in future relationships.
10. Believing that it is actually possible for me to be loved as a girlfriend/wife.
11. Believing that I can get out of this mess I call my emotional-self.

According to my therapist, it is healthy for me to write these things down. Hopefully "type these things down" will suffice.

Here I go again...

...with another break-up saga. Another one bites the dust - or should I say I bite the dust again! As of last night I feel completely destroyed internally. Once again I have lost the ability to trust myself in a relationship for fear that I'll simply be shit on again. There's no end to this in sight for me. I just don't see it possible for me to fall for this act even once more. What's in it for me anyways? A couple of months of happiness followed by months or years of agony and fear that the next one will be just as bad - or in this case worse - than those before it? The bitter truth that no matter what I try to do to show someone that I truely care about him it doesn't matter because he's made up his mind and that's all that will be. No compromise. No attempt even. Where are these guys that my friends are marrying? These perfect, supportive, there-for-you-no-matter-what guys? No matter what he's going through he finds courage and strength in the fact that she will be there for him too. Not just that she's a burden to him as he sorts it all out.

So now I find myself trying to remember all the things I liked about being single - of which none of them come to mind in my misty haze of recollection and hurt. I know I'll survive. One breath after the other. Inhale, exhale, and move on. Get out of bed and go to work. However, the biology of surviving doesn't provide any immediate aid to my emotions. This one I gotta wait out, and cry out.

Only a matter of time

I'm happy to say that I FINALLY got on accutane! Last week was a bit of a whirlwind, but we made it happen. I don't even feel like going in to all the details because it has worn me out so much, but the bottom line is that last thursday I started taking it. Now it's only a matter of time before my acne woes are over for good! Of course, I'm going to have to go through more problems I'm sure before the month is over because I have to do everything again in order to get my prescription filled for next month, but that's for another blog (only if necessary though!) . As for side-effects, nothing so far though people have already asked me if I feel sad... Hmm... I know it can possibly make me depressed, but would it really happen in only four days?? Doubtful. I've also heard that it's supposed to make me all dried out, and so far I haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary - my lips are a little dry, but that's kinda normal for me. So far, so good, and so happy:o)

In keeping with the title of the blog, but not as happy as the previous paragraph, I'm sensing a bit of probable-break-up-behaviour coming out of Nick. This past week has been very strange. According to him he's just not feeling himself, and it's making him crabby and irritable. He said that it's nothing I've done, but I have to wonder if he's telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So far I've had no reason to doubt anything he says, but for some reason I just can't totally believe him this time. I guess part of that is my skepticism from being crapped on in the past, but this all just seems eerily familiar to me. At this point, I'm bracing myself for a break-up... Hopefully I'm wrong, but only time will tell.